OH AND I HAVEN’T THOUGHT ABOUT ROB SINCE I FIRST SAW RICKY. That may not seem like a big deal but I’ve thought about him 24/7 during and after.. :)

Okay I need to stop now… Goodnight.

Ps. I hope someone appreciates my excitement about having them in my life. Because I’m really passionate when it comes to things like this. I have a tough exterior but the minute I decide I like you, you’re on a throne, but not even in a creepy follower way. Just that I really value them.
And it breaks me in half that it doesn’t work.

So, please. Universe, I want Ricky Sullivan to stay in my life because maybe this is the start of something we both want and need. Thanks.

Okay so I have a lot to write about. Because for some reason I can’t answer “what’s been up” when Nia asks me anymore. So it’s probably mandatory that I write this lol I’m going to write like every little thing I can remember because I’m relaxed and high so why not write?
Not in any particular order. (I think that saying is bullshit because no matter how you do it there’s a reason you did it. Like maybe something is more important than the rest. Even if you’re not thinking about it. That’s crazy.)
Anyways.
1. A few days ago I found out that I may not graduate because I’m failing three out of four classes. So I’m working really hard to work on school because I can’t even think about not graduating.
2. I have new friends. Zach (whom I call Frankie because he looks like a Frankie) and Ricky (whom I like). I feel like life is so much better now. I literally love having friends like even if I make one new friend, my day is way better and I’m happier.
3. I should probably talk about how I met them haha. Even though you probably don’t care I’m just really bored so hey if you’re still reading this mumbo jumbo you rock.
So on Saturday, Jamie asked if I wanted to hang out with Zach and I went with them. He had a friend with him, Ricky. I thought Ricky was like extremely cute but I obviously don’t have the balls so I didn’t say anything. Then Zach and Jamie and me were like yo lets go get fucked up tonight and have a party. So we all made plans to. And idk why but Ricky ended up not being there that night. I was really upset. This guy Pookie was there and uh.. I wasn’t interested. I mean I was fine with cuddling and kissing (not really even that) but he took advantage of me and I was high and drunk as hell. So nah fuck that. Jamie and I both didn’t like him and we told Zach that the next time we saw him. He said we coulda told him that and he would’ve kicked him out but we thought they were cool so we didn’t say anything. So I told him I thought Ricky was cute. A few minutes later Ricky called him and Zach mentioned me thinking he was cute and that I was interested in him. Idk what Ricky said lol but yeah so we all made plans to chill today. I kind of flirted around with Ricky very slowly and I was really scared cause I thought he’d reject me. I’d reject me lol, and a boy that cute….. Nuh uh. But then I got high and for whatever reason I felt better about myself. I was laying down and he was standing up so I was like oh come lay down and moved over. So he laid down and after that I put my head on his shoulder. Then he asked me to help him on my phone lmao and I picked his arm up and laid next to him with his arm around me. We stayed like that for a while and then I wrapped my fingers up in his. Then we stayed like that. I coulda stayed like that but it gets so much better. We held hands in the car, talked about a lot of things. We finally ((uh I just started smiling randomly while writing about this guy SOS help uh oh)) got to Arlington hills and we walked FOREVER.
I swear I haven’t walked that much since summer. Probably since warped tour but even then I probably walked more today.
We held hands 90% of the time but I felt like I was annoying him so I kinda stayed away near the middle/end. I’m very cuddly when I’m high so it’s hard to keep away from someone. So then we get to my house and he gives Jamie a hug and then kinda lingers to me and hugs me for a long time. I didn’t want to let go honestly, haha. He’s so warm and adorable and I already like hugging him and stuff.
So then.. Jamie kinda walked away and he was like “well I’ll see you tomorrow.” Or maybe I said that, lmao. Whoever answered said “yep..” And then he leaned in for a kiss. And I swear my heart stopped the second his lips touched mine. And I was like “byeee.” And he kissed me again and it was so adorable ugh. Like I just can’t even:|
I smiled all the way to my front door and Jamie asked if I kissed him. And when I said he kissed me she was like awwwww! C: and like twenty minutes ago she was like “we could double date now!” And then she was like “I find it so cute that he kissed you.” :)
And idk that made me really happy ugh please. I don’t want to get hurt again. Like I really don’t have the patience for all that. So Im actually going to pray that this works out somehow. Even if it’s just what I need/want right now. I want someone I can curl up to, have fun talking to and all that. I need someone I can trust to hold me when I’m upset for even a dumb reason and just get my out of that mood. Because I’d do the same thing for them. And idek haha idk why Im being so lovey dovey it’s weird. I move way too fast. I should slow down.
OH AND OMFG I FOUND THIS REALLY CUTE TOO.
Ok so me Jamie and Ricky were all walking and Ricky’s aunt saw him and they talked and he told her he had to walk Zach’s friend and then he was like “and uh…my friend” home. And omfg idk why it was like so cute. Cause he could’ve just said Zach’s friends to save his breath but he didn’t and I should probably stop lmao. I sound insane :\ oooo.
4. I’m looking for jobs still. I have so many things to pay already. My court fees, phone bill eventually, road trip with Frankie/Zach and Ricky, warped tour, college, clothes, marijuana and blunt wraps, etc.
5. I met my lawyer yesterday and she was cool.
She said I’d probably get 24 hours of community service, fees and banned from Walmart for a few months. I can deal with that completely so I’m content in life.

:)

I hate that Rob still has a strong hold on my mind. He’s the only guy I’ve thought about it a long time. I’ve kissed a guy since then but I didn’t even think of that person while I kissed him. I completely thought of Rob. I hate that every time I make a mistake, not only do I feel stupid but my mind goes “yet another reason you won’t be/weren’t good enough for him.”
I feel like I’ve known him for so long and that he’s MINE. But he’s really really not and in reality, I don’t know him at all.
It should be easy to forget someone you don’t know, shouldn’t it?
I think it should, but it’s not because he’s the last thought on my mind every night and throughout every little moment that I want to share. When I’m watching tv, when I’m writing, when I’m in the shower, when I’m making food, when I’m high. When I’m with Papa and Jamie. I just want him here for all those little moments and the big ones too, but why should he be? He doesn’t know me. I’m just some stupid girl that he fucked.

I just re-read what I wrote last night and it’s still all true. I could see myself being with Jamie because we pretty much are together. Our friendship is close to that of a relationship. We cuddle sometimes, we hang out all the time, we always say I love you. We do everything people in relationships do except sexual things.
It’s an open relationship although sometimes I do get jealous. I doubt she does, but I do. I think it’s more me being protective of her but I definitely feel a hint of jealousy too.
But we both realized we are pretty much dating because if I don’t like somebody she’s talking to, she ends up not talking to them and vice versa. That’s obviously not the only reason, but yeah.
It’d be really easy too because we spend so much time together anyway, nobody would suspect anything more. Maybe I actually do have a crush on her.
That’s odd and this has never happened with any of my other best friends.
I just don’t want this to ruin our friendship. At all.

I don’t know how I actually get guys. I’m surprised people don’t think I’m gay because I’m way more guy ish than girly. I mean yeah I do my hair but it’s long black and straight always so I could just be an emo scene boy idk. I’m surprised I haven’t had girlfriends by now.
Now that I’ve had sex and actually crave it, I don’t think I’d mind out making out with a girl but I doubt I’d do more than that.
Lmao if I told Jamie that she’d probably never talk to me ever again

I don’t know if it’s because I’m high and really lonely but like I could actually see myself hooking up with Jamie like I don’t know why because I’m not into girls really in that sexual way but I guess idk since I am like whatever biromantic and shit I guess I’m always around her so she’s like my best friend so I have feelings for her in a friend way but I’m lonely so it feels like more
Wow I haven’t stopped writing god damn there was no punctuation. This must be really killing somebody right now
Maybe I won’t use periods for the rest of this.
Except that hahahahaahahaha
Well anyways me and Jamie were like going in depth about how our friendship was basically an open relationship where like feelings were all about each other but sexual things we left for other guys and like we still knew we were taken idk it was weird and then I decided that I’d be the boyfriend
And it’s true because I’m way more boyish. But I’d be one confusing emo make up wearing boyfriend LMFAO cause Id still do my hair and wear makeup and whatever
But I’d dress like a boy
I’m more comfortable like a boy honestly
Because boys get to wear baggy shit whenever and nobody questions why. When a girl does it’s like oh I wonder what she’s hiding?
And that bothers me but it’s okay because I’ve worn it everyday for the past like 30 weeks so I bet nobody expects anything else because they assume I have nothing else.
Maybe that’s why angel and those girls didnt like me because
I wasn’t fucking annoyingly obsessed about what I was wearing and looking like

Ya bish ya bish

Anyways if I was a boy I’d probably make sure I had a nice ass body.
I really do like dick though lmao that’s why I probably couldn’t even fuck a girl.
I mean idk it’d have to be one hot ass girl lol
That sounded really homophobic wow that was bitchy as hell.
But that’s how Jamie and I would have a good relationship cause nobody would want and force sex on the other because we’d have other people just for sex on the side
Lmao that’d be a perfect bi-romantic girl relationship wow.

I have so much to write about but every time I think about it, I get tired. Then I get annoyed because I do need and want to write. It’s a cycle and I’m breaking it now. There are way too many thoughts floating around in my noggin to just keep them there.
I don’t know where to start because there are SO many things I need/want to say.
1. I have to go to court on April 16th at 9:00AM. Nia, you’re going to read this and flip a shit for not telling you but I was so embarrassed and I still am. I got caught shop lifting at Walmart. I was stealing $121 worth of cosmetics. They weren’t all mine, I wouldn’t ever take that much. I usually know my limit. I think I just got too confident. I thought I was so good at it because I’ve been doing it since the beginning of ninth grade. I never thought I’d get caught. In a way it’s a good thing I got caught when I did rather than after I turned 18. I would’ve been sent to jail automatically; 18 years old plus I stole over $100 - I would’ve been in jail. I’m sorry for not telling you.
I’m just really embarrassed.
2. I’ve been smoking a lot lately. Maybe not a lot; it’s at least 2-4 times a week. A lot to me is at least 5 days out of the week. I don’t even know if I like it any more. I can’t lose weight and smoke; I get the munchies so strong and I can’t resist it. I’m not at that level yet. I think I’d need to already be on my fitness level and then incorporate smoking that ganja. It’d be easier that way. I like being high while I’m high. When I’m not high, I don’t want to do it but I know I will because of Jamie. I’ve told Jamie that I don’t want to smoke anymore and she cried because she thought we wouldn’t be the same anymore. She thought our friendship would change. Which I know it would because she smokes basically everyday now. She’s dedicated to pot; complete pothead. She has two pieces and she rolls all the time. She always has bud on her.
She knows amounts and types and all this stuff and in a way I envy her for all of that; because she has money for it and I don’t.

My mind just went blank on what else I want to say. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow on the way home from Asheville.
See ya.

I’m so fed up with everything. This happens often; I get upset about one tiny little thing which explodes into another thing, which makes me not be able to function around other people. 

I think I just want to sing and write or something, but at the same time I want nothing but to lay in bed and sleep. Maybe not even sleep, just lay. 

I want to find out why Rob is doing this. Why he isn’t talking to me, I mean.

I built him up to be a prince in my head. Someone that actually liked me. Which is really stupid because he didn’t know me.

I did the sluttiest thing, which I suppose isn’t slutty because I don’t believe in slut shaming, but I also don’t believe in losing your virginity to a guy you’ve just met.

And that’s what I did.

And now I’m so hurt I don’t even know how to tell people just how hurt I am.

So this is me telling tumblr that I’m hurt.

I’m so fucking hurt. 

I’m going to start trying harder in school but only because I need to start focussing and getting myself together.
Also because I’m getting a new iPhone after I graduate if I graduate with good grades. I need a job and I need one now. But I don t want to work with food.

I miss that look.
The only possible way to tell you what that look is, is to refer you to Gossip Girl, season 1: episode 10.
The way Dan Humphrey looks at Serena Van Der Woodsen is the way I miss being looked at.
Matt looked at me like that a few times.
But those aren’t the eyes that first came to mind.
I miss Rob. He looked at me like that every single time his eyes grazed over my face.
I don’t know what happened.
Typical boy stuff, I suppose.
I’m just shocked. It hurts. It didn’t hurt before, but it hurts so much now.